Encounter with God

I have just attended a very good workshop today or shall we say yesterday, though it was just hours ago, the time now is 1 am. I cant sleep. I kept on asking was that really possible to happen what just happen. Huh! But i can't deny the fact how loud the voice was that i heard and how clear was the word uttered.. Maybe i just got to trust in Him fully. He said that i always rely on my own understanding that is why he took my intelligence.... He said that i should trust in Him for He is always there. He said that i should leave my worries behind because He is there. He also said that He will always hold my hand. And that He will travel with me, take the journey with me...

What i am talking about is God,... I just had this encounter with Him, that i thought or question if is it really true, that i why i can't sleep....

I dont know why, i always have this attitude problem... I cant let go of something unless explained or interpreted for me by other people... I dont know.....

Yah, i have to just trust in Him and will not rely on my own understanding. Maybe He wants me to see and learn that; And that He is the most powerful God who can do anything..... I always rely on my own understanding which always fails me. But i know in God, He will never ever fail me...

Am I like a pirated CD?

I know i keep on repeating things i wanted my self to believe and other people to believe.....

Someone just kept on telling me that "here we go agaaaaiiin". A frustrating thing to hear when all i kept on telling is for what is right and what must happen..... I maybe like a pirated cd who always repeat what i have just said a while ago or maybe days ago or months ago or i have been repeating what i have been saying for two years or so, but what is right is what is right, no matter how we make it look or feel right... It is okay to be happy but,.... Is it for a long time? Or just in the spur of the moment?

Yes, i long to be with you... but when i weigh things, it is not fair........... For me and for everybody... It maybe is okay for you... But what is it there for me... what will i got out of it? You never give me promises... you cant give me assurance... So what?

How can you mend a broken heart and a broken man?

I am a person judged to strong; presumed to be strong but there are only a few who knows i am not. And they are the chosen few whom i could talk and tell everything and would not leave me even if i'd kill a person.....

As tonight, i was sitting on my chair facing my computer trying to find the requested video of a friend. I could not sleep though i am tired, and so i remembered his request. But instead of finding his song, i found mine. I immediately posted it to my friendster account. And that reflects me. Strong in the outer but only two people knows that i cry every night for more than a year.. So tell me, how can we mend a broken heart and more so how can we mend a broken man as i am....

I have been or was a very outspoken person. I loved life. But now, i dont even know how to mend my broken heart and the broken person in me.

Everytime i stumble with new faces and people.. I kinda observe their actions if there is someone like me in this world who hides everything personal to other people and kept everything literally inside. So afraid for people deemed judgemental and would not understand would know. So hard, when for most of the time you think you are alone and nobody cares even if there is someone. I even remembered my teacher in high school when she shared to us a saying or idiomatic expression which goes like this "It is so embarassing to be alone with someone". At that time i have asked my self "Would that be possible?" Alone with someone? Why?Only to find out as I go along with my life and have gone through a lot of hardships and pain (which was brought about by the way by my ka chungangaan), yah true, there is truly a time that we are alone with someone. Times where that someone is so close yet so far. And that someone is just a wish and a dream and especially if that someone cares more for thyself. If respect is lost...

And so the Ginalyn who was outspoken, can't live a day without speaking a single word, is now wishing time alone....

I also thought that i could mend myself alone.... But it is not working...

I have also asked myself why there are people in this who are so insensitive. I even come to the point of not believing the golden rule. I know i am not a good person, but i try hard to follow the golden rule. but why is it that the more i try to do good, the more i am abused. I wanted them to do good on me that is why i am doing good to them. It is not that you sow what you planted?.....

Hah... Life... In time... In time... They will have their share......