thinking out loud... as of real time today

As the days pass me, I just kept on wandering. Wandering life. Living each day as if it’s the first day of school. Trying to savor simple blessings and appreciates simple things that come tumbling my way. Learning to be happy even if deep inside I am numb.

As I open the things I have written a long time ago, memories flows like a river. And the pain returns. I remember a friend told me “drama” kaayo ko nga pagkataw. I even have a memorable line like Nora Aunor which is “Kalipay ba ninyo ang akong kasakit?”.. hahahah. I find it funny. But looking back when I uttered that statement, I did not find it funny. I was crying then. And looking back also, I just filled my life with tears. Maybe it became a hobby. . . A hobby I have earned even a single cent. How I wish I have not wasted all that tears on simple things so as the time I have faced the biggest tragedy of my life I have spared my life coz maybe I would have been stronger and not blinded with tears. But that just me.. I can’t help myself for being so emotional.. I wish to control it, but maybe it still takes time.. What’s important is the knowledge that I am weak for being so emotional.

Realities....... :)

In this world we can’t ever be alone. We can’t just say “Hell to all of you and leave me alone”. We always get to adapt and fit in to what other people are. We can’t even always go our own way. We must consider also what others may feel. That’s being responsible. Being responsible in every action we do, responsible for others and responsible for ourselves.

It’s hard to cope with these conflicting factors we have and the demands of the society where we are a member of. We always tend to consider what the society would say or react and let our own happiness suffer. We always are liable of our actions.

This and all other things we do with this life of which we are accountable of. In the long run, we ask why we let ourselves suffer just because of what other people would say. Why we let other people run our lives. Why can’t they leave us alone to make us be happy? But then again, if there is happiness there come responsibility. We can’t just be happy and let other people suffer in return, because real happiness is when we let other people happy, it’s giving you to others that make us happy. A smile as a demonstration of gratitude is worth a million. It boosted your confidence, uplifts your soul and it washes all the pains that we feel.

We may feel that we are being in prison with this reality. But no man is an island. Let’s just do what is right and be true to ourselves. Even if doing what is right maybe very painful, but think twice, that pain would come to pass after we are blinded with our emotion. After we keep telling to our self that this is unfair, we will see a clearer picture of what had really been. And maybe we could come to a conclusion that what has been was not that heavy at all. And that what has been will be just a memory for us to treasure, because even painful memories are sweet to treasure. But the pain we would feel if we close our ears to what the people around us has been telling would be much deeper. It would forever be there. It would be forever being attached to our name. We may come to the point that we would hate that memory. And worst we would regret what happened.

A memory is not worth regretting no matter how painful it may, it will remain a memory. A scene we have created in our past.

Nowhere... My mind drifts

I don’t say that I am genius like Albert Einsten for I only remember that electricity was discovered because of lightning. I don’t say that I know everything for I am not an encyclopedia in fact I think I still have plenty to learn and plenty to discover. Maybe you have questioned where I’m leading you to. Actually I’m leading you to nowhere. I’m leading you to the world where absolutely no direction, no guidelines, nothing to understand about. I’m leading you to where my heart always goes. NOWHERE. . .

When I look at it in my own point of view, it’s as if going to a very white desert. No other occupants than me. I don’t know which way to go that felt right. That I feel is the right way. I’m confused of exactly what’s the right way. It’s hard to decide when what you’re deciding for is your life. One thing I’ve learned is that at the end of the day, it’s always been that I always follow my heart. Even how much my head tells me how wrong I was my heart always says that we only have one life and so we must go where no one dares to go. Explore all options. Try everything that is worth trying. That it’s only a matter of facing the consequence at the end of the line. In everything I do, I always take risk when I know that I can handle the consequence at end and when I know that whatever the consequence it’s worth it.

But when the consequence is heavy to bear, a burden to carry then why continue. Why pursue something that makes life heavy. Though I always hear the word “live life to the fullest” it’s still so heavy. Yah It could make me happy however; I know that behind all the joy I would feel there is misery lurking around me. I don’t want to be happy when I know I would be in pain. Though I know something deep inside would be missing and I would be empty I just can’t continue what I have started. In my heart I don’t want to hurt anyone but I know I’m doing it. I just don’t know how much and how deep. Though how sorry I am for doing this, would you judge me if for me it’s the right thing to do. Yes I sound selfish for I’m protecting myself from pain. I could not judge other people either; all I’m doing is ask and ask. I just want solid answer to those questions. Answers that would satisfy me. It may not be the usual one hour speech; even a single minute would do as long as it’s solid and realistic. Reality hurts, yes, but it’s better than fooling yourself and fooling other people of what’s true. Because you fool yourself and it’s like strangling yourself. Haven’t you noticed that? Have you experienced being strangled by your own self? I myself could admit with full knowledge and open eyes that I’m strangling myself. I’m killing myself softly; for I let myself be strayed somewhere I’m not supposed to go.

No man is an island. True, everything we do it’s always been shared with people. Painful is when people leave your hands half empty or worst empty handed in the middle of the fight.

Everything written reflects of what life is for me in general. Mysterious and profound in nature. You won’t know how to give meaning to everything. Life could not be interpreted through the study of Plato and Socrates. Life doesn’t have logic that gives its confusing factor. That’s why people get hurt. Life is learning through a painful process and learning with no ending. Life offers no tuition fee increase and no graduation at all as long as we still breathe. Each day opens new chapter of which we are accustomed to face. A chapter with a very smooth beginning and sensational ending. It’s not like the telenovelas of which we can predict what would probably be the next scene. Life always caught us off guard. That is where risk and consequence came from. Through the long process we learn to take risk and face consequence.

You....

I fell in love with your laughter
The laughter that also sent gladness to my heart
I thought it was enough to just feel that way
To love you with my heart not my head
We were fine then
We laugh at little things simple things
We can talk about everything and be contented
I was really happy being as secured as your friend
You joke a while
And I took it as it is and laugh
Everyday that God made I look forward to hearing you
Listening to you was like a food to my soul
It always completes me, inspires me and made me whole
Then I could not bear it anymore and did not notice
The love that I wanted to hide
And I wanted to forget became uncontrollable
Your joke about it become intense to me
I asked you to stopped it coz deep inside I can’t hide it
I want it to be true as much as I want you to stop
You did not stop for you said it’s not a joke but true
I just laugh though I was uncomfortable with the set up
You made me feel each day that you truly mean what you say
I also made you feel that what you say is nothing to me
I wanted you to stop but I can’t stop you whatever I say
Then one lovely day I have told you what’s inside me
You said you are very happy and you wanted to talk to me
I said that was just a matter of fact and that It was nothing
Though deep inside I was happy knowing I made you happy
It started our roller coaster argument that you’re not joking
And my fight for you to let go
Now a year have gone and all that’s left to me is throbbing pain
And your deafening silence. . .
I am sorry with our friendship
I am sorry for what has transpired
We don’t hold our destiny
We don’t hold what’s the future offers




gigi 06.24.06

Reflection

There are certain things in life that you badly wanted but are hard to get. Then you come to think that it’s impossible to achieve and loss hope. There are also things that just happen and you loss your control and you wonder why it did. These manifestations prove that we don’t hold our life and we can’t make a thorough plan for the path of our life. Life is not like a feasibility study, we can’t forecast what would happen tomorrow. All that’s left for us is that God give us free will. The ability to weigh things- the ability to know what is right or wrong. This may sometimes makes us feel embittered for it would caught us in between, but come to think, life is always profound.

Life in its many facets offers us confusions, fantasies and other realities that sway us as we journey this road. When we were a child we stumble and get bruised, we cry and after a while that bruised somewhat forgotten that it’s there we start to laugh. Now that we gain maturity to everything we forget how to be like a child. We forget how to just laugh when we get hurt. We already become like a bank, saving things that are burden to bear. We hide what we truly feel. We try to deny things that truly happen because as you can see and would agree, reality hurts.

Yes, it hurts. The kind of pain that stays within and you almost can’t breathe. And you think the world is closing in on you. But let’s stop and reflect. These emotions that unseated us, is it worth our life. Is it same worth as what our Lord Jesus did when He died on that cross for our sins? No it’s not. We are in pain for at times we regret what has happened. We can’t forgive ourselves for the things that have happened. We are in pain for we think why this and that person hurt us. Question, did that person really hurt us or is it just your pride that is swelling or maybe he/she is right and you kept on denying?

Let’s enjoy our freedom. Don’t deny but accept, let loose with that swelling pride and everything will be alright. Nothing is impossible when we are in God’s hands and that’s true. We may pass through a hole of a needle but at the other side there is a whole new world that awaits us. We just got to open our hearts. Let’s face each day as if it’s your first. Then you will know that yes the road of life has many humps and potholes but also it has plenty of cemented roads when we know the right way to pass. We may be blinded with so many emotions but you open up your hearts to God He would wash it out for you. Let’s just got have to have faith. . .